Let's get personal again.

This is an open letter to everyone to encourage you to try to push aside your preconceived judgements.  Don't just me based on only my appearance. Do not judge anyone solely on that. Give everyone a chance. That guy you've been brushing off because he doesn't look trendy enough... take him up on coffee. The quiet girl working alone... she's probably nice..maybe its just resting bitch face... The girl who isn't skinny enough or blonde enough that would give you the world... give her a chance. The best of us are quick to judge, it doesn't mean we are shallow or bad people. It does mean that we can make a decision to not let it effect our decisions. 

This is one of the posts where I contemplated just leaving as a draft forever. Ultimately, I did hit publish, but much to my anxiety. Do you remember being in jr high / high school.... and having a crush on that boy who seemed way too popular, attractive and good for you? You remember dwelling on all of the reasons why you weren't good enough for him? Turning red every time he happened to look at you and smile? Do you remember wanting to fit in with a certain crowd of people, but not even making an attempt because the anxiety made you cringe? Do you remember how it made you feel?

I'm years past high school and have learned to accept myself while (trying) to work on the areas that I can improve inside and and out. I'm actually the most confident I've ever been. But I've recently experienced a few situations that made me feel this way all over again. I'm going to get frank, I hate the person that I see in photographs and the mirror. I've made attempts to lose weight and eat healthier with very little success. Today, I literally do not recognize that person, because its not me. Even though it is. Who I see in the mirror, is not the person that I see myself as. That is a gut wrenching, sick feeling. Though I love myself, I hate my outside appearance. I was actually thinking the other day that I wished I looked as pretty on the outside as I felt inside. It's awful to feel that way. And silly honestly. But to someone who feels that way, its not silly. I'm not saying all of this seeking reaffirmation or pity. I'm just trying to get real.

I've spent some time recently meeting lots of wonderful people... and some people who've made me question my self worth, unknowingly. I didn't feel cool enough... skinny enough.... pretty enough to even be in the same room with them. At the same time, I was thinking... if these people would just give me a chance to shine and get to know me, they'd be surprised. I am not who you see on the outside. Sure I like to express myself with the clothes that I wear and my ever changing hair color, but it does not define who I am. Even some of the nicest, greatest people that I've met, don't look at me the same as skinnier / prettier girls out of preconceptions. Some guys I can guarantee have never even "thought of me in that way" simply because I'm not as skinny as the girls they prefer. Let's be honest, it's out of shallowness. And I'm even guilty of making assumptions about people as well because we've all in some way been raised or manipulated whether by family, media or advertising. But we can make a conscious decision to stop.

The main difference between high school me and me today is that I'm no longer afraid of rejection in the same way as before. I realize my self worth. I realize that I am worthy of happiness and that I deserve the best. I'm done settling. I realize that the reward outweighs the risk when you put yourself out there. I realize that taking a step that could determine the happiness of the rest of my life is worth putting yourself out there for. I no longer let my anxiety or insecurities hinder my pursuit of happiness. I'm willing to be the first to initiate a conversation or ask you to coffee. If you say no, think hard on your reasoning.